He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
