There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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