totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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