Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.