shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand