I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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