I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
