His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
