so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
