New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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