You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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