I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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