That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
