there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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