you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
