This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Did I show you my penis last night?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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