I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
