She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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