Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
