So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
