If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
