Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
