He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
