worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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