He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
