so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
