when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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