You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
