Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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