I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
