I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
In America we eat man semen.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
