Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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