i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
