this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
