Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
