btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
