wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
