please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
