U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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