Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
