we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
