phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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