Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
you had me at cake vodka
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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