Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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