Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
