I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
