omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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