I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
