I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
