Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
