I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
