just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
