the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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