he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
