Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
why is half of my head shaved?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
