Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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