I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
