I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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