WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
do herpes really smell.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
