i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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