Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
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